Joke 1

The barman is stocking the shelves in preparation for opening time, when the landlord appears. He inspects the premises and asks the barman what the chalk marks on the billiard table are for. The barman says, "sorry guv, some of the lads were measuring their cocks on there last night, to see who had the biggest. I forgot to wipe them off, I'll do it in a sec".He then went out the back to get some bottles. The landlord looked around to see that no one was looking and got his dick out. He laid it on the side of the table and was chuffed as fuck to see his cock extend beyond the furthest chalk mark. When the barman came back, the landlord said, "Oi Fred, get a look at this, I beat the bastards by a fucking mile!" "Sorry to disappoint you guv", says the barman, "but they were measuring from the other end!"