Funny woman

I was lying on the sofa last night and I said to the missus, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."She got got up, unplugged the telly and emptied my bottle of beer down the sink in the kitchen. Some women possess no sense of humour whatsoever.

Drug free

Due to worries about organised crime, police and public officials in Amsterdam are going to shut down many of the cities famous brothels and drug-friendly "coffee shops." I really think this is a bad idea - it's going to make many people unemployed, and in these tough times they may be forced to turn to desperate measures to make ends meet.... like prostitution and selling drugs.

Joke 2

An armless man walked into a pub which was empty except for the landlord. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the landlord if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The landlord obliged him. He then asked if the landlord would tip the glass to his lips. The landlord did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the landlord would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The landlord did it and commented, “It must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for you?”The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the toilet?”The landlord quickly replied, “the closest one is in the petrol station, about half a mile down the road.”

Joke 1

The barman is stocking the shelves in preparation for opening time, when the landlord appears. He inspects the premises and asks the barman what the chalk marks on the billiard table are for. The barman says, "sorry guv, some of the lads were measuring their cocks on there last night, to see who had the biggest. I forgot to wipe them off, I'll do it in a sec".He then went out the back to get some bottles. The landlord looked around to see that no one was looking and got his dick out. He laid it on the side of the table and was chuffed as fuck to see his cock extend beyond the furthest chalk mark. When the barman came back, the landlord said, "Oi Fred, get a look at this, I beat the bastards by a fucking mile!" "Sorry to disappoint you guv", says the barman, "but they were measuring from the other end!"

Work

They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

FedEx

I love the FedEx driver, 'cause he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.

Drugs

My younger brother's an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs...A porsche and his own house by the age of 20.